Fifty Shades of Alice Through the Looking Glass by Melinda DuChamp

Author:Melinda DuChamp
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2012-08-16T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 6

Humpty Dumpty

Still buzzing from the experience at the toy shop (and feeling her new piercings rub against her most sensitive parts with each step), Alice followed yet another path through a clearing and came to thirty yards of board fence, nine feet high, that a boy named Tom Sawyer was whitewashing—

Wait… oops. Wrong nineteenth century classic.

Still buzzing from the experience at the toy shop, Alice followed yet another path through a clearing and came to a high wall, which Humpty Dumpty sat upon.

Alice knew it was Humpty Dumpty because she was familiar with the nursery rhyme, and because this man was egg-shaped and perched precariously on a wall, but most of all because he waved at Alice and said, “Yo, baby. I’m Humpty Dumpty.”

As Alice approached, she noticed something odd. Well, odder than an egg man from a nursery rhyme sitting on a wall. This particular egg man, although sporting a light beard and a deep, baritone voice, was wearing women’s undergarments. Chiefly a bra, panties, and nylon stockings, which made his stubby legs look like sausages ready to burst from their casings.

“Why, you’re dressed like a woman!” Alice declared.

“So are you.”

“But I am a woman. My name is Alice. You’re a man.”

“What gave it away?” Humpty Dumpty asked. “Was it my masculine bulge, threatening to burst through this Frederick’s of Hollywood g-string?”

“It is rather obvious.”

“Don’t you think I’m sexy?” he asked, gyrating suggestively and pursing his lips which, shockingly, were painted bright red.

Alice couldn’t imagine anything less sexy, but she’d already been down that road with the Tweedles and had learned her lesson, so she changed the subject.

“Aren’t you worried you’ll fall from there?” Alice asked.

“Why?”

“Because of the poem, of course.” Much as she loathed poetry, Alice began to recite. “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a big fall—”

“No, you’re getting it wrong. It’s Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a big ball. Which I do. Two of them in fact. My testicles are bigger than peaches. I’m sure you can see them from there.”

Alice could. And they were, indeed, bigger than peaches.

“They’re also full of peach juice,” Humpty Dumpty said, his voice tinged with pride.

“They aren’t.”

“They are. If you’d like, you can have a sip from my straw.” Humpty grabbed himself through the panties.

Alice was confused. Not about the peach juice—she knew that was nonsense. But that this man in ladies’ underwear was apparently coming on to her. “You want me to… to put your member in my mouth?”

“I can think of worse ways to spend the next thirty seconds.”

“Do you,” Alice searched her mind to remember the term, “swing both ways?”

“Naw. I mean, I have no problem with those who do, but I’m strictly a ladies’ man myself.”

Alice was perplexed.

“You look perplexed,” Humpty said.

“You’re wearing feminine underthings,” Alice stated. “Aren’t you gay?”

“Don’t you know the rest of the rhyme?” Humpty cleared his throat, spat, then began to recite:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a big ball,

All the King’s wenches and all the King’s chicks,

Lent him their panties and then sucked his dick.

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